The day I changed forever

Trigger warning: contains details of sexual assault.

My world was completely turned upside down one day in January 1986. I was 18 years old and had moved from a small town in Cumbria to Manchester to begin a career in the NHS. I had known I was gay at the age of 7, not sure how but I just did. I felt that growing up in a religious family, I would not be accepted. The regular nasty comments and beatings from my older brother and homophobic jokes from others in my family convinced me of this. I decided at the age of 15, after yet another battering from my brother (who called me gay and queer and also got his mates to verbally & physically attack me) that as soon as I was able I would be leaving home. I had loving parents but did not feel safe in such a backwater at that time. I found out, by reading a newspaper, that Manchester had a gay scene and so that's where I was going to live. When I was 17 I applied for a job as a Student Nurse and got a place. The week of my 18th birthday I left home and came to live in a city where I planned to embrace my sexuality.

I had never knowingly met a gay person whilst I was growing up, and my aim was to do so by meeting lads who had similar interests to me. You have to remember that in 1986 there were no mobile phones or internet, and therefore no apps on which to meet gay lads. I suspected there may be a couple of other students who were gay, but I was too scared to approach them in fear of rejection and or a beating.

I subsequently noticed that in the local newspaper there was a gay section of the 'Lonely Hearts' page. There was a notice in which 2 men were looking for younger lads for fun and nights out. In my naivety (and with being brought up in back of beyond) I thought 'fun' was going out for a drink, clubbing, playing football or going to the cinema. I know now of course they meant sex.

We exchanged a couple of written letters (no email in those days) and they arranged to come to pick me up in their car and 'go for a drink'. What I did before they collected me was to tell lies about where I was going to friends and family, so that no one knew I was gay and meeting up with 2 other gay people. This was a terrible decision that haunted me for decades to come. Effectively no one in the world knew where I would be, apart from me and the 2 'friends' I was meeting.

They picked me up not far from where I was living. I was very nervous but also excited to meet other people like me and have friends to do things with. The thought of sexual activity had not entered my head. Naively, I believed their letters and assumed they shared my intentions. We drove off into the night to their home several miles across Manchester.

During the journey we talked about my career and my difficulties growing up gay. They told me about their jobs and how they both had a similar story to mine. I was reassured by their friendliness and didn't sense any danger at all. When we arrived at their house it was dark and the car pulled up on the drive. We went inside a nice house that felt warm and cosy. They offered me a drink, I had tea, as we continued chatting. They eventually suggested we go to a gay pub nearby. This scared me as I'd never been to one, but they reassured me I would be ok with them. So off we went with me sitting in the back seat worrying about seeing anyone I knew in the pub. Not thinking that of course they may have been gay too, so there would be no danger of being outed. About 5 minutes into the journey the 2 men said they thought I would not be allowed into the pub as I looked so young. I did look about 15 at the time and as I was already a little concerned about going I agreed we should just go back home. The new plan was to watch a movie and have some beers. We turned around and went back to the house.

What happened next changed the tone of the evening entirely. As we approached the house I noticed a black mini parked on the drive which was not there when we left. They said their friends must have come to visit them and would be inside the house as they had a key. This was the moment I started to feel uncomfortable. I was ok meeting 2 people but now there were going to be more. I wasn't sure if I was ready to meet a group of people on my first visit.

We went inside and in the lounge was 2 men around the age of 30-40. The 2 men who I had already met were around 20-30. They were drinking some cans of beer and seemed friendly enough as they gave me a can and invited me to sit on the sofa and 'tell them about myself'. I began to feel uneasy and a little scared.

Suddenly I was either struck on the head from behind or my beer had been spiked. I began to feel very dizzy and nauseous. In the next moment I was face down on the floor and being punched and kicked. I remember shouting at them to stop but it just continued. Then a knife was produced and held to my throat. I was told that if I didn't stop struggling and making a noise they would kill me. I was really winded from kicks to my abdomen and kept passing out.

Then the pain came in my backside, I was in agony and screaming. I can't bring myself write too much about what happened next. I heard laughter and saw the flash of a camera. I was told that they were going to kill me as they had killed other lads before me. I can't put into words the fear I felt at that moment. I just remember thinking that no one knew where I was to come and help me. I was convinced I was about to be murdered.

A penis was forced into my mouth which made me choke and struggle to breathe. He then ejaculated into my mouth. I was in severe pain and all I knew was I was going to be killed and buried somewhere, and I would never be found. I am not sure how long the attack went on for but I remember being helped upstairs and locked in a tiny bedroom with just a bed and cabinet. The pain in my backside was agonising and my throat was sore. I was in excruciating pain, bleeding and struggling to comprehend what had just happened. I had to use the toilet roll that was in the room to try to stem the bleeding. I was still very dizzy but I was able to get under the sheets on the bed where strangely I felt protected. I cried for a long time and then must've fallen asleep, or succumbed to the drug I had been given in my drink.

I woke to the door being unlocked and opened. The youngest man came in and said I was lucky to still be alive, but I would die that day. The terror I felt was unforgettable.

I was helped downstairs and into the car. He said he was taking me somewhere quiet so that he could kill me. He said he was the one that had killed and buried their previous victims, so not to shout or try to get away. I have no idea why I complied with this, I just did. He drove us to a remote area and stopped the car behind some trees. I knew this was the end of my life and I started to cry and beg him not to kill me. I bargained with him and said I would not tell anyone what had happened. He just smirked and told me to get out. I did so, still bleeding and in severe pain. And then a miracle happened, he drove off. I stood there for a few minutes then started walking. No idea where I was or where I was going. I expected to see him return in the car to pick me up and kill me. Eventually reached a town and was able to get a bus and go home.

To be continued....